Understood

"Feelings of limitless horizons opening up to the vision, the feeling of being simultaneously more powerful and also more helpless than one ever was before, the feeling of ecstasy and wonder and awe, the loss of placement in time and space with, finally, the conviction that something extremely important and valuable had happened, so that the subject was to some extent transformed and strengthened even in his daily life by such experiences." Abraham Maslow

Since my coming to the land of the wagons people I had begun to grow in ways I'd never experienced before. I'd learned how to attain the most basic needs of survival here, food, shelter, warmth. I slept well and even my harshest dreams didn't leave much mark on me upon waking. I was safe and felt secure too. Stable. I enjoyed my work regardless of how many ahns I spent on it. Many of my clan had become friends and some like family. We had built strong relationships of respect and often affections. That went pretty well with some that were not of my clan as well. It was all a place in my life that gave me peace and independence. I loved and I felt loved. Even the differences between my mate and I were not based on sex or the growth of family but my refusal to allow anyone, even him, to affect my self esteem. I no longer cloaked myself in deficiency motivators but threw off the mantle of letting people, things and circumstances drive me.

I felt an appreciation of each plateau I ascended. I had begun to relish the probe of finding meaning and knowledge in everything around me, to savor the beauty and balance that was simply there to be experienced. I knew I stood on the brink of something new and wondrous and had no fears of taking the directions that life had already begun to map out for me. I felt a thrill surge through me that the best was yet to come. I looked forward to it all with a head strong defiance that said .. bring it.

What was it that I hoped for in the end? All of the peak experiences in my life had started with that misted vision of my painted warrior reaching out for me, beyond the world that I existed in, leading me to new levels. Not to be with him, but to be where he was. To be on the other side looking out instead of rapping at the glass wanting in. One of the haruspex had told me he was my guardian. That was far more true and at the same time as far from the truth than even she or anyone else could ever realize. She had told me too, that he was still watching over me. I knew. I felt it. I would always know he was there.

All of the gentle whispers that he had breathed against my ear, against my dreams and my most peaceful as well as my most restless moments had been pointing me, guiding every step that I took beyond the skies to the universe itself ... whole, complete, confident and from there I could reach back to offer the way to actualisation. The truest circle of life.

Where he could not be, he had allowed others to stand in his stead. They were my walls of strength, my directional markers and at times the comfort of a place to rest before I began again. That made sense to me and the acceptance left me with a feeling of calm.

It was only now ... that I understood