For all the paths not taken ...

We can look behind us and say yes there is the moment where I made my greatest mistake, I should have taken good advice or done something differently. It splays across our vision at the final hours. I wasn't looking back when I made this decision, I was looking forward to a time when an opportunity for choices might improve. I've always been a dreamer that way, an idealist to believe in all the better things that could be.

I held no fear when the dagger traced across my throat, I was quite ready to scream and bring the entire force of warriors down on this measly hand full of rogues. It was only as the edge scraped down my leathers and came to rest at my belly that I silenced. How could he know what even my mate did not? I stilled long enough for there to be understanding. So subtle the movement of my lips against the fingers that held them shut that I wondered if he would mistake them. When they eased away cautiously and the point of the dagger indented the flesh beneath, I whispered through the cracks of emotion, "I will show him where the key is," Betrayal of one I loved dearly for the love of one I treasured greatest. "But he will never know if that blade sinks any farther"

My own patterns of existence would mean days before anyone would begin looking for me. Patterns of others would believe they were at last rid of me. The very thought of how my beloved mate's heart would break had to be shoved aside. I could not think of anything or anyone except right this moment and the future. If I could barter my survival, perhaps I could save one more. If destiny had one shred of decency, there would be two. The taste of rep forced between my teeth made my head reel. Please, I prayed to whoever and whatever woud listen, please do not let the waves of nausea be my undoing now. I focused instead on the pain of my wrists where the leather bit deep and held them together tight. The thrust up into the saddle could have been kinder and gentler but then it could have been far worse. It did give me one last view of my beloved plains as a hand slapped the flank of my beast. The wind of the ride would dry the streak of tears even as they fell and darkness shrouded the flight of five riders crossing the tundra.

All that

The heart is

Histories

Magda

Closer

I could almost taste the south on the tip of my tongue. I knew it was still far away but inside this time I yearned for it. I'd spoken to Ayguili of the signs of spring beginning. I almost laughed at how technical he was about how the progression of the season would be. He was right there would be more cold weather first, but no one could deny the tiny dots of green that were struggling to emerge. I had to smile remembering something grandmother used to say .. there will be weather, whether or not we are ready for it.

I was ready.

I was ready for warmth and growth. This move to find grass brought us one day closer to just that.

It also brought new decisions to be made. The last time we passed Turia headed south, I had asked Kam where he wished my wagons. I've stayed close to his for as long as I've traveled in my own. This time I asked Ramza, and the answer was where ever I wished was fine with him. He knew I wanted to stay close to Myzon and his mate, Magda. I hoped to keep Deenyet and Sage close too. There were Fonce' new foals to consider also. This time I wouldn't push the pace of our group but let it amble to where we were going.

Where ever it was ... we were getting closer.

The power of ...

Without disappointment you cannot appreciate victory.
Did Eleanor tell you that?

The move to new grass devoured my attention for the next few days. Life continued upon the plains. The survival of the bosk far outweighed all else. Without the bosk, the Tribe would not persevere and Tribe was above all.

An unbroken calf kept trying to exert its will over the others and was continually attempting to create his own trek I used the flank of Sinewy as a barrier, diverting the beast back among its fold. That was when I saw the Ubar riding watch over the move of wagons. I moved Sin closer to inform him of the progress of the kaiila. He was quick to show he had little interest. I will at least give him credit for speaking what was truly on his mind rather than hedge the conversation.

Did your mate tell you about the talk me and him had?

We keep nothing secret between us. I was going to wait until the move was
over and the people safely accounted for but since you bring it up ... I wish to
know why?

Because I wish you, has that not been clear?

Well truth was ... no. In the beginning, he had never stated his true intentions. His words had led to an altogether different understanding but actions spoke loud enough to make it all more evident over time. What I asked him was as much for every woman of the Tribe as it was for myself. I've stood toe to toe with a Ubar before defending my people, defending my sense of right. I held no fear now as I spoke with the singer.

You believe that you can make a free woman your slave, is this my
understanding?

His answer told me as much of the man as I would ever need to know. So much fell into place that it was in many ways startling but the reality of it was all too expected.

I can do whatever I wish. Perhaps I was just too kind before, you bring that weakness out in me. Its a mistake, I won't make again.

If I myself had ever had any doubt, there was none now. The acrid taste of bile rose to the tip of my tongue but instead of the grimace that I was anticipating, I felt it draw my lip upward. The calm that took hold was like the chill of frost settling in a wagon rut. I pulled my wind scarf down. I wanted him to see all of the emotions written on my face, the amusement in my eyes, the half-sided smirk that held no merriment.

I do not wish you ... is that clear enough for you?

I had to let him know, when he was finished with you, I want first dibs. If he is done, and takes my offer, can't say you will have much a choice woman. Is that clear enough for you?

Never Ba'atar. There is always choice. This woman will not
kneel for you ... you will not have the pleasure of that breath ... that …I can
assure you.

Only the Sky knows that. Women never forget what they truly are.

I felt my shoulders square back as I sat tall in my saddle. The words came without any hesitance whatsoever.

Proud to be Tuchuk. Proud to be a free woman among them.

I could not help the laughter that rose up inside me now. The tangle of anger, disgust and apathy became the watch gate for something much darker.

Its a good thing to be proud. Thought I felt that pride when you at one time welcomed my hands against your body, my lips against yours. But I see that is long forgotten.

I have to admit, he was right. It was long forgotten. What makes a man who has all the best that life could offer want what he cannot have? Ba'atar has a loving mate, one who would stand beside him through all that life would throw them. Whatever differences Cana and I have, she is a good woman. She is still a sister, still my friend. He has the beginnings of wagons full of heirs: strapping sons, beautiful daughters. I've seen them. I've held them. But all of these were not what was on that man's mind, not his family, his people, the bosk, nor the kaiila. He has more than most men will ever aspire to. What is so lacking within him that it is not enough?

You never spoke your true reasons but it is all right. I see you now.

Of course you do. I have always wanted you as my slave, to serve me above all, to writhe against me with every breath being mine. Your a fool to think anything else.

A fool I was ... yes but far wiser now. Though I do not share your vision, Ubar

He could not resist his insults of my mate, his position within the tribe and his ambition. The more the man spoke now, the more the level of respect I held changed. I can appreciate the honesty of a man that knows what he wants. It is those that vacillate that leave a watery aftertaste. I've seen men like him among my father's business associates. Power is a drug that becomes an addiction to some. Men, who cannot stand on their own measures, will lather themselves in it. They will belittle and demean all that are a threat to their phallic personalities. Too, they will keep pawns closest to them as the barrier for all that will show them as they truly are. It is a temporary assignment, I can assure you. It will not exceed the usefulness.

There was the flicker of an emotion somewhere on the edges of the lusterless smile I gave him. It was so fleeting that it caught my attention more than the man I left sitting in the saddle. What was it? Sadness? Pity? Whatever it was dissipated as quickly as it had emerged. Truth was, I felt nothing. I reined the massive kaiila back the way I'd come.

My life is steeped among the life and thriving of the kaiila, but oddly, it was the lessons of the verr, that Oren had spoken of, that was on my mind. I had always equated the metaphor with the natural protective gathering of them in upon themselves. It is much like those of the first wagons do. Now, I saw it all from a different perspective. The sleen will always seek the verr for their weakness.

Weakness.

It is a flavor never to be forgotten and I've tasted it now.

I am not verr.

ANGRY!

By the time I found my mate, he was rounding the end of a wagon looking for me. I had heard the rumors and was looking for him and I could see as much of the anger written on his face as there was flaming mine.

It was true, Ba'atar had offered to buy me from Ramza so that he could make me his slave. My mate already knew that I would not bend to such conditions. Not for him. Not for Ba'atar, not for anyone. In that I saw the pain in his eyes that if it were pressed further, he would lose me. I could offer no solace in that.

This was a matter that was supposed to be between the two of us. I had said so to Cana and Tarra when they offered their "advice" to me a hand ago. Tarra told me I had better return to my mate's wagon and act like a mate or regret it. Cana stripped me of many of my responsibilities among the clan. Now the Ubar had jumped into the fray.

I have not acted like a slave. I've not spoken out. I've not behaved in any way to warrant any of this except place distance for a short while between my mate and I until we could work things out.

I am furious that as a freewoman who has earned her place among the first wagons, I could be treated this way. No one offered to buy Cana when she and the Ubar had disagreements. It was no secret among the Tribe. Boot prints are noted everyday. No one offered to make Tarra a slave when she spoke out at the fires. News travels. Everyone knew her mate lost his command because of it but she suffered nothing. No one offered to buy Shi when he stayed away from his family for so long that others had to step in to feed his family. No one offered to place Petra in a collar when she cracked her mate up side the head for just teasing her about collaring her. There are other mated couples among the tribe that have had their differences but as far as I know the women ... the free women were not treated as a blackwine cup ready to be bartered and placed in a steel for how many times she does or does not fur her mate.
I can assure them all, I will not go down without a fight. I will not be placed in steel.

By the laws of my own people this is not right. This is an outrage.

My mate is as angry as I am. He told the Ubar that what was between two mates should be between two mates, that everyone should mind their own business, just as he had the two women who had deemed it their right to step in and interfere.

Ramza's assurance to me that trading me to Ba'atar was not going to happen has its comforts but I think that he cannot see how deep this grudge goes. This is something that Ba'atar wanted from the beginning. He broke the rules of the Tribe when I was a prospect ... why would I trust he wont break them now that he has power.

I see in Ramza such hurt and anger. I see in him shame too that his mate would be topic of conversation so degrading. I see the sadness that if it is pressed. He knows I will die a freewoman rather than become a slave again.

Instead of returning to our wagon as we had been for the past few hands, I watched him ride out along the plains and I stand here seething with so much anger that I see red.

You're right, I get it
It all makes sense,
you're the perfect person
So bright, so wrong
Let's all live in your imaginary life
How dare you call it suffering
How dare you call at all
The touch of life,
once failed to mention so far
Of course the law is fountains
Or face to face remorse
A fast and restless blackmail
Like pent-up fetish force
You're right, I get it
It all makes sense,
you're the perfect person
Let's all live in your imaginary life
You're right, I get it

That made two Part Two

That made two ... Part One

Intellectual conversation around the fires is too scare a commodity not to savor while there is a chance. I like a challenge to the mind, principles and beliefs. The night began with a hunger. I couldn't ladle a bowl of stew fast enough to sate it but by the time I had it full, Fonce emerged from the shadows looking for all the world like he needed it a helluva a lot more than I did. I turned it loose for a better cause. While he ate he stared into the fires with enough intensity I asked what disturbed him so. I could empathize in some ways with his answer. Some things ... he just did not know. They escaped him. Others were more familiar forces that shoved him from his peace. They impacted none the less.

I had a chance to study the lines of his face and the brooding of his eyes for a moment or two then told him, Familiar is a safe place sometimes. Ayguili arrived just in time for him to clip his reply. I've known Fonce long enough to predict a few of his thoughts. Not all of them mind you but a few. The half smirk he shot at me was more than enough.

Rivea made the stew for the first fires that night which meant there would be numerous beneath the breath remarks from any who sampled it. It was hearty enough but caused Ayguili to toss much of his into the fire. "Why do women find this need to take something as simple as meat and make it an affair to contain other things. Meat. That is what a man needs. Meat." I teased him that he could always try saying that ... I just like meat. I knew that in Rivea's case it wasn't going to make any difference. She will add more meat … and more schtuff. Even though the Haruspex tried to shield his water from the rise of spark and ash, he never really seemed to take his gaze from the fire as if the answers he sought were found there. Do the flames speak to you warrior? It was the scarrer that replied, Everything speaks if you listen. Even that blasted stew speaks. It says that we need to hunt. Have a nice haunch of tabuk to roast instead of stew. I had to agree with that.

Fonce had not been here during the last move and it was easy to tell that it was eating at him. He mentioned hearing of the difficulties with a tone that dripped responsibility for them. Now, Ayguili is a man of precision, which is evident. He said it was too soon to long for the southern grounds. Many more moons have to pass before we return. But I addressed Fonce's unasked questions. Truth even if it is painful. It was something he had asked from me. It is part of our friendship. It was a harsher journey than many have seen in a long time, but the upside of it was the foals born of it are swift like the wind and strong of heart. The scarrer seemed to understand now and added that each move is different and each on has its' own tribulations he guessed.

I am in and around many of the clans because of my initial search for one to call my own. I am still accepted among their fires. They are friends, they are family to me. I passed the words of some of the elders year keepers to both men. They have marked a time before when the Tribe faced such trials and they have hope that it will be as it has been before ... an easier move the following season. When the scarrer stated the obvious, “It all remains to be seen.” and allowed his gaze to join Fonce' watching the fires, I knew it was time for a new subject.

Now exactly how do you tell a warrior that he has not only become a father but about to be a grandfather while he was away. Why, gingerly and with a smile of course. Well, Fonce, one of the kaiila you left with me, got to one of my mares. There went that damnable precision Tuchuk men are known for. Which one? I proceeded to tell the tale of the khol black son of Holo and my mare Lithe. I didn’t confide all of it, I left out the part of the dark one's birth. That was a story that would fall only to the ears of its owner. I had never named the creature but called him Tsk so that he would at least have some identity. The tale of the blood red roan would come later as well. Holo had sons? I waited for recognition before I told him, Yes ... two. I almost burst out laughing when Ayguili asked ... What's a Holo? Regardless of how Fonce or I tried to explain that beast, Ayguili couldn't quite grasp the depth of the original sire's ... ummm personality nor why his son being more even tempered was something of note. Fonce put it best. Holo is the ugliest most worthless piece of kaiila flesh he had ever been privileged to be saved by

The men ended up ribbing each other about their masculinity and temperament by comparison which made them both laugh. To say that both men are legendary in both categories is an understatement. I fell as part of the expense but it was all well worth it to see the mood of the men improve to joviality.