Unsaid

I lay here now giving air to thoughts that I share with no others.
Pressures of the elder women of the Tribe to bear heirs strained our everyday life among the sapphire wagons. It was expected of us regardless of his or my own wishes. At first we had stood our ground merely letting everyone know that it rested in the will of the sky. That was not entirely true. I had left the responsibilities in the hands of my mate. When he decided it was our time .. then it would be. As the moons passed and time stretched its way across the seasons, I had caved to the women's concept and tried to a point that it exhausted us both. The elixirs, the teas, rigid control of body temperatures, how to eat, when to eat, what to eat, when to rise and when to race for the furs, down to how we wore our clothes. For him, he will not miss an opportunity to coax me into the furs. I can honestly say that his appetites have not lessened in any way. For me, the tensions massed themselves one atop another until even the effort of making love became a dreaded chore.

The word love had not been spoken between us before we were mated. My warrior and I had shared a friendship among the fires long ago that grew over time. I could not say he did not care for me. He did. In ways that others would never conceive showing. A bowl of blackwine waiting before I woke. Hand painting a mural on the canvas of my wagon, one that had meaning only I would understand. He has filled our wagons with children knowing the ache that I have for them. They are the young of the entire harigga that come seeking the old ways that he teaches, those small knowledge that make vast differences in their futures.

He accepts the fact that he is not my greatest love, though in my heart I hold my mate very dear. The fact that he accepts me as I am and less than my all is touching and at the same time creates a loathing that he does. He is a good man, a good warrior and one day he will be an excellent father.

I could not say I did not love him. I could not say I was "un"happy. I could not say that we had a hard life. I could not say many things .. and despite our promise to tell each other everything ... I could not tell him that something vital was missing. I tried and could not bear the hint of pain that I saw reach his eyes.

There had been a time when I had aspirations of walking across the galaxies on a bridge of faith and belief. There had been a time that I had aspirations of helping to guide a dynamically passionate people to glories. My heart and soul believed it was theirs for the mere taking. There had been a time when I aspired to reach up and grasp the stars and lay them at the feet of another. There were no aspirations now of more than to make it through another day.

Now and then I would venture to the fires. The emptiness held an echo that roared louder than the thunder of the storm season.

Cana's confinements with child kept her from the pens as much as she used to be. Vao had a penchant for spars, scraps, battles and raids. He is Tuchuk through and through. Me Too ... was just not here. Sometimes my work among the clan would stretch more than 20 ahns at a time. It became easier to remain through the nights to bring in the new foals, to watch over the injured, to evade closing my eyes and dreaming. Ramza rode patrols and took extra shifts as well. We rarely saw each other though it was always like a homecoming when our paths did cross. Usually we spoke openly of how our lives unfolded in our own little corners of the plains and within the ahn, he would try to coax me into our furs if even for an ehn or two.

Despite our promise to each other that we would withhold nothing from the other ... We merely left much ... unsaid.